Is that how the song goes?
I just took a nap. Last night I didn’t sleep, too full of anxiety and anticipation for moving into our beautiful new home in a couple weeks. Stayed up too late reading LJ’s of people I know, but haven’t talked to in a long time. Stayed up debating if it was better to let some things fade away, frustrated by the answer potentially being yes. I try to consider everyone who will read these entries. I do sometimes edit them because of that fact and I would assume others do too. What you post here is not sacred. Not even amongst your friends. (God I make the most obvious statements)
Well anyway…. I guess I read somethings that I didn’t want to read. And its not reading them that bothered me, it was the difference that they were not intended for me. That had I tried to procure the information from the source, these facts would never have been revealed, because the source has pushed me out of their lives. I guess I technically started the pushing away, by changing the definition. Moreover I don’t know why I’m mentioning it all here in vague attempts at veiled language.
Ah well. I guess I’m confused about how I’ve maintained so many friendships in my life, from distance, over years, after hardships and I don’t see why things should start being different. Maybe I’m different. I just don’t know.
I had a dream during the nap that i just woke up from. The dream consisted of my friend and I sitting together at a table on a patio in a garden. Her phone rang as we were discussing my frustration about the issue. The person on the other line, was the person we had just been talking about… so she hands me the phone to talk and I freeze. I realize they don’t want me in their life… I shouldn’t surprise them like this. So I just say “I hope California is treating you well and that you are okay.”
I should leave it at that.
Leave a Reply