So my life is pretty full. I don’t catch a lot of quiet uninterrupted reflective moments. And thats probably mostly due to the fact that I like being busy and I like being everything to everyone – in a way. It might be an exaggeration, but if you ask me to do something for you I’m going to give it a damn good try. That said, I never finished Sam’s website, sent Barry the mail thats been floating around my house for 2 years, printed Michael those photos for his birthday LAST YEAR or finished painting the bathroom like I said I would.
Instead I was taking photos, committing to taking more photos, editing photos, trying to balance a 40 hour a week job, cleaning up the kitchen occasionally, packaging and sending photos to clients, shooting photos at a wedding, reviewing haunted houses or designing and printing a brochure for my dog’s daycare facility. Right now I’m pretty much booked through October with evening and weekend appointments, engagements, shoots, commitments and what have you.
But this past weekend I sat in a quiet place for a couple minutes alone and I was struck by the power of silence. I’m Quaker. Well I was raised with Quakerism as the only influencing religion in my family. Quakers, or friends, meet in complete silence, do not have pastors, ministers, rabbis, or any other means of connecting with the big spirit upstairs besides themselves. This is called the light within.
I vacillate about faith. Some moments are so grand and impacting I don’t know how there can’t be a larger form of control in the universe. But most days I’m stretched too thin to even bother with the idea. Then this Saturday, I sat down in a Quaker meeting house near DU for the first time in quite a while. It was, for me, like standing on a mountain top and taking in a great refreshing breath of air. The quiet was deafening and for just one moment I felt light and lifted of the many heavy day to day burdens I carry because I insist on keeping a maddening schedule.
But I feel guilty when I’m not taking on more. I feel like I’m wasting time when I sit and read. Particularly now because of this house there is no time. And maybe I’m taking on more commitments to run from the house. Drew and I talked a lot this weekend about my part in it. I know its been far less than his. Partially because of my lack of skill and strength when it comes to building a house and partially because I leave nearly every weekend to shoot a wedding. But I suspect choosing to take on so many photography responsibilities in part due to avoidance.
So there I sat for a solid moment of pure silent independent reflection. A moment I relished for all of 60 seconds before I was interrupted by a very nice lady who drug me into the kitchen to meet the Building and Grounds Committee. The 6 or 8 people sitting around the table had a median age of 63 and were delighted that I had stopped by. And as they questioned why I was there I began to cry! I tried explaining that my family is actively Quaker, which is to say my Grandfather is an active friend, who has not only taught and served as headmaster at multiple Quaker schools in Pennsylvania, but he also founded one or two in his 80 some years. I tried explaining that I’ve never really been an active friend, but in times of need I found respite in the community. That in Boston when my grandparents were dying I’d spent many Sundays gathering strength there.
So I took a deep breath and answered some more questions. After which they requested by business card and asked me if I wanted to join the grounds committee or the young friends group and if I was politically active or wanted to help in the library and when meeting was and all the other varied and I’m sure wonderful opportunities their community offered. And I felt absolutely pummeled. My beautiful reflective moment was nearly ripped from my newly unburdened insides and the familiar weight was on my shoulders. “Could I take on more?” “Surely I could make time for a community built around such solid wonderful beliefs” “Do I need to shoot weddings every weekend, the season is nearly over…” “Maybe Drew would want to come” “I could come monthly maybe” “Wouldn’t my family be proud” “Wouldn’t it be a great release for me” “It would force me to relax”……
But all I wanted was that quiet moment. I wanted to feel full of strength and relinquish the weight that I’ve carried. Taking on new roles in another community and building new investment, creating new responsibilities to add to my ever growing list won’t help. I can sit and breath pretty much anywhere, right?
So today I’m going to breath. And this week I’m going to try sitting quietly. And as Drew recommended I’m going to make more lists and try to release the grip my brain has on trying to keep track of my responsibilities.
I wanted to write about Post Secret today, but instead the above happened. Maybe tomorrow. six-zero-five-two-one-two-seven-seven-eight-seven
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