so i’ve been living this crazy “I don’t have to work till 1pm each day and I have money to throw around” life…. I suppose it hasn’t been that crazy, but maybe I’m starting to wonder if I’m being fulfilled. I think I’m mostly mad at myself for not knowing what I want, but thats nothing new. I spend a lot of time trying to define things and coming up empty handed. I don’t know why at times i can’t find the words to decribe myself. I mumble and sometimes I don’t listen when others talk. I used to be so good at listening. Somethings wrong. I’m not sure what it is, but theres something I’m not doing, something I’m missing… I used to think about life in different ways. It has something to do with faith I think. I went through this last year… was it around this time? I don’t know. Maybe its the seasons changing. Last year I started attending Quaker meeting, looking for something that I couldn’t find inside myself or my day to day activites. I haven’t been in quite some time… I need to stop going out on saturday night. Or maybe not. I actually have no idea what I need. I think things have become too superficial. Number one is important, but somehow I’m not as fulfilled only thinking of her well being. I think I’m disapointed in myself for doing so many selfish things. My job is cake. All my jobs are cake. I have extra money… well I could be paying off debt, but I’m living comfortably, I go out all the time, I don’t go to the gym as much as I’d like…. I’m becomming one of those people who talks to livejournal…. and expresses their innermost problems. Not because I can’t just call up Michelle, or Evan, or Erin or Sam or Margaret or Michael or my mom or Drew or Nick or all of the people in my life that mean something to me and talk about it…. maybe I’m just afraid. I have to shower for work now.
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