all aboard

today i am on an emotional rollercoaster.
on one hand I hardly have enough energy to move. ive been completely unresponsive to anything said to me this afternoon at work. kids are beating each other up in the hallway and im standing there staring dumbfounded.
i put a CD in this morning, David Wilcox’s East Asheville Hardware, which reminds me of my dad and consists of a whole series of story songs (i guess you could call them that) which all have strong moral overtones and make me get teary eyed.

Then I was looking at pictures on the internet of other peoples lives… or their lives before now, or soemthing. Pictures always get me worked up. Get me on the verge of bawling, because soemthing about moments in time, smiles and embraces that i can see, i can almost feel, but have passed, i ache for those realities again, even if my current reality is just as perfect. Nostalgia is a screwy thing.

I’ve also been worked up about jobs, my crappy jobs, how i want a job that makes me feel worthwhile, how i should be happy i have jobs and income, yet im frustrated that i can’t seem to get ahead… a whole lot of good that bachelors degree is doing me right now, its the reason im neck deep in debt, well that and my irresponsible spending habits. i had no money to eat last week, but i spent 25$ on shoes. i mean i got three pairs of shoes for 25$, THREE PAIRS so it was a really good deal and i obviously had to buy them, but well… thats just plain ridiculous. i had literally 1$ in my checking. well now i have plenty because i got paid, but the point is that im making a big deal on my livejournal out of nothing. and its theraputic.

my other issue is that im becoming a subconcious hypochondriac. At night I dream of limbs falling off and conditions taking over my body. i dream of fevers and colds and coughs, and being short of breath. then i wake up fine. the other night i went to go to bed and found my body covered in hives. what the hell is happening?

a week from today i will be packing to head off to vegas with michael. vacation from the innumerous days in a row of working both jobs. i cant believe it. it hasn’t clicked. nothing has clicked. i kind of feel like im sleep walking today. i feel vaguely aware of myself and everything else is inconsequential. kid pulling on arm = gust of air. i have a mild feeling of floating over everything and not really walking. my arm is throbbing like it was given a shot…. im sure that will subside. i haven’t been to the gym, only to yoga on tuesday. i feel squishy and emo.